just say jolie

As promised, here’s my contribution to Andrew’s enthusiastic, if terribly misguided, effort to get Alex Balk to volunteer:

The problem is that, while Andrew’s heart is in the right place, he’s been going about his attempt to lure Balk into the world of volunteerism all wrong. Fortunately, I am generous of spirit and wise in the ways of The Balk so I offered to lend my expertise to the cause (and really, who’s better qualified than I for the task? I mean, I’m only six credits shy of a PhD in Balkology at this point. Gotta love The New School.) The trick is finding a volunteer project that involves things that Balk is passionate about.

So here’s the plan: find an old folks home for the Irish in need of volunteers to read to and play cribbage with the residents. And yes, it needs to be a home for the Irish, tempted though you may be to send him to a home for Jews, because 1. Alex Balk hates Jews (but not as much as he hates Italians. My Master’s thesis, by the by, was entitled “Alex Balk: A Study in Ethnic Self-loathing.”) and 2. the Irish like to drink (Things Balk People Like: drinking, cultural stereotypes.) Now then, he’s not going to agree to it based on the simple promise of a bunch of elderly Irish-folk offering him whiskey (Things Balk People Like: the amber liquors) because there are, you know, bars for that and so when he balks (JOLIE! That was terrible.) here’s what you do: point out to him that homes for the elderly are populated by more women than men. And then point out that many of those women have removable teeth. YOU SEE WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS, RIGHT? Right.

It’s perfect really.

(In all seriousness: just email and ask him. I would also suggest that you stop calling him out on Tumblr because frankly it’s a little tacky and you’re just going to piss him off. Oh and call him Bernice, he likes that.)