I was high. I don't know what his excuse...
me: We must make this potato salad!
Matt: I miss making meth together Vicki.
me: I know, Deb, but you're with Gail now. She's good for you! And you know, I've got Andrea... it's just not our time, Deb. I'll always think of you when I listen to Sarah Mclachlan.
Matt: Vicki. NO. I need you Vicki. If you fucking leave me, I'm gonna key "New Money Whore" on the hood of your Taurus. Don't fuck with me Vicki, I just got a new Pampered Chef knife with your name on it.
Sep 26th
We do this sort of thing - no joke -...
rend it: "I’m pretty sure one or both of them is lying dead of SIDS under a pile of cigarette butts and empty bags of soy chips."... And the other one is frantically tripping over detritus in the "office," hands flailing, muttering "omigodomigodomigod" endlessly.
me: "I KILLED BALK? JESUS H. CHRISTMAS, I CAUSED THE BALK TO DIE? *flap flap flap* SOMEONE NEEDS TO HIDE ME BEFORE THE FANGIRLS FIND OUT!!!"
rend it: And if it were the other way around, Balk would just be clutching Choire's lifeless body and sobbing. And smoking. And drinking.
me: And checking to see if there are any crumbs at the bottom of that bag of soy chips. "What? Jews feed their grief, leave me to my process."
rend it: That sounds more like an Alex Balk toe-stubbing.
Sep 18th
What they're doing here, of course, is...
me: haaaaaaaaaaaaaa - OMG OMG OMG YOU TWO!! BV, Matt just sent [the Choire photo] to me (rend it Matt, not my big gay Matt)
me: Oh I see. Balk tipped you both off. DAMN IT. I was really hoping I'd just busted you both reading Jezebel. (Balk, of course, is a delicate ladyflower who refreshes Jezebel every ten minutes with his French tips.)
rend it: Oh of course he does! THE QUESTION REMAINS: What is in that Tupperware?!?!?!?
me: Papa is so eco-friendly that he brings his own tupperware to restaurants so they don't have to give him a doggy bag.
BrianVan: His response to that would be, "HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I EAT!"
me: The collective food issues present in The Awl offices *fascinate* me.
BrianVan: I know. If we sent over a pan of lasagna it would swiftly end the publishing day.
rend it: Still waiting on Balk's handy guide to Lower Manhattan dive bar mozzarella sticks.
me: I never really thought of it this way, but it turns out that Alex Balk is what you would get if you combined the traits of Jon Arbuckle and Garfield into one person.
rend it: THERE ARE SO MANY POTENTIAL TUMBLR BOOK DEALS HERE IT IS STAGGERING.
BrianVan: We need a good run of "Garfield Minus Garfield Minus Jon Plus Balk"
Sep 10th